Slay Your Dragons With Compassion by Malcolm Stern

Author:Malcolm Stern
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: BISAC: SEL000000
ISBN: 9781786784711
Publisher: Watkins Media

Patrick and Diane

Patrick was a university professor approaching forty. He met and married his childhood sweetheart, Laura, while they were students. They started off friends, became lovers and, like so many marriages, their early relationship was beautiful, sexually alive and full of fun. After eight years Laura gave birth to a little girl. Her sex drive diminished, and her love (as Patrick saw it) was transferred to their daughter Jemima. It was as if Laura had become a different person. Patrick might attempt a hug, and after a few seconds she would shrug him off.

“I love you but not now,” she would say.

Patrick sought opportunities for intimacy like putting his arm around her as they walked in the park. This irritated Laura and she would call him needy, which increased Patrick’s clinginess and pawing, creating a vicious circle. Patrick gave up initiating sex because he was always knocked back. Sometimes they’d go to the pub, get drunk, and at the end of the night Laura would have sex out of guilt. But the act was no longer the loving, surrendered experience they used to enjoy. Instead, it had become a brisk, physical transaction. Afterwards, in a flip of the usual cliché, Laura would roll over and go to sleep.

Patrick adored his daughter but found himself becoming angry and isolated at home. He tried to address it. “You’ve always been so loving toward me, and now you’re cold. Can’t we do something about this?” But for Laura something had shifted, and she couldn’t pretend otherwise, despite her guilt. Patrick understood his wife wasn’t choosing to be horrible, and was determined to meet her compassionately. He took pains not to show his anger and frustration. They were at an impasse, but he wanted to hang in there until they could rediscover their physical connection.

One day, out walking his dog, Patrick bumped into one of his students, Frieda, who was sitting on a park bench crying. Patrick asked her what was wrong. She had been dumped by her boyfriend and was feeling abandoned and desolate. As she shared her story he put his arm around her. He was far from a predator, but there was a naivety about him. He offered to counsel her. “If you’re in trouble, come and see me after class. Any time you need someone to talk to I’m here.” She went often. Patrick felt good about himself. She would leave his office visibly calmer and he felt he was making a difference.

Over the next few months she regained some of her happiness and vitality. One afternoon she invited Patrick round to her flat for coffee and he accepted. Her flatmates were out and they both talked about their lives openly. Patrick confided that his marriage was in difficulty. He loved his wife and didn’t know what to do. She leaned toward him, stroked his arm, and looked into his eyes. Patrick had come to a moment of truth. He knew what was on offer and understood the risks this path held.

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